The Divine Lamp

The unfolding of thy words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple…Make thy face shine upon thy servant, and teach me thy statutes

Archive for the ‘stupid’ Category

It’s Always Tragic When Something Doesn’t Go right In A Jet Crash

Posted by Dim Bulb on June 28, 2010

Stupid Headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter.

Something Went Wrong In Jest Crash, Expert Says.

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers.

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.

Miners Refuse To Work After Death.

War Dims Hope For Peace.

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

Man Struck By Lighting: Faces Battery Charges.

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Large Test Group.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half.

Hospital Sued By Seven Foot Doctors.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

My Favorite comes from the Oneida Daily Dispatch’s Sport’s Page.  It concerned a horse race at Vernon Downs: “Sparkling Hooker Wins VD Crown.”

Posted in humor, stupid | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Contemplating Marriage?

Posted by Dim Bulb on December 24, 2009

Posted in humor, Music, stupid | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Worst Fight Scene Ever!!!!!!

Posted by Dim Bulb on December 7, 2009

These “actors” were shot using 35 milimeter film.  They should have been shot using 9 milimeter bullets.

Posted in stupid | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Beware Generic Steroids

Posted by Dim Bulb on November 11, 2009

I’ll never order anything from the back of a comic again!  As a competitive swimmer I bought into the “You too can look good in a bathing suit” sales pitch.  “You too can cut a fine figure for the girls!”  Yeah, yeah, yeah. “You too can look years younger!”  Yikes! had I ordered a two week supply I’d look like Abe Vigoda.  Well, at least I can still dance.

Posted in humor, stupid | Tagged: | 2 Comments »

Obama Gets Nobel Peace Prize. For What?

Posted by Dim Bulb on October 9, 2009

For the record, my blog headline (For What?) came before the one found on Drudge.

President Obama has received yet another accolade he doesn’t deserve, the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

The Process:

In September nominations were sent out to qualified nominators.  This was four months before our presidential election.    February is the cutoff point for the nomination process.  The exact date is unknown to me, but since the preparation for the short list of nominees takes place during February and March it is reasonable to assume that  Obama was in office less than 6 weeks before the short list preparation began.  An adviser review takes place March-August, and the Laureates are chosen in October.  (Update: Obama was in office 11 days).

Besides merely talking about peace, what has Obama done to merit this?  How is it he beat out these much more deserving people and organizations?  (UPDATE: A commenter at National Review Online notes that he did host a Beer Summit wherein he acheived reconciliation between himself, a black professor, and a white cop).

Nobel committee quotes:

The award was given for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”  (Translation: he has talked about peace).

“Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world’s attention and given its people hope for a better future.”  (Translation: this award is based on his rhetoric rather than on anything he has actually accomplished)-excluding the beer summit, of course.

The chairman on the committee, Thorbjorn Jagland, “rejected the notion that Obama had been recognized prematurely for his efforts and said the committee wanted to promote the president just as it had Mikhail Gorbachev in 1990 in his efforts to open up the Soviet Union.” (source)

Gorbachev however began his reforms and peace overtures shortly after coming to power, five years before his win.

Posted in stupid | 1 Comment »

Latest Addition To The Index Of Forbidden Kooks: Keith Olbermann

Posted by Dim Bulb on October 7, 2009

I could give you one of any number of quotes which would qualify him for this dubious honor, but I’ll just tell you to tune into his show tonight, somethings going to come.

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Sunday Comedy News Roundup

Posted by Dim Bulb on September 20, 2009

Apparently, the President is undergoing a mini race riot within himself.  “National Democratic Party leaders have asked Gov. David Paterson to consider withdrawing from the 2010 governor’s race, according to two senior New York Democratic advisers…The New York Times, which originally reported the request on its Web site, said that it was President Barack Obama who asked Paterson to withdraw.”

Paterson is African-American so, no doubt, this request comes from the racist whiteness Obama inherited from his white, racist granny.   Damned whitey!  Always trying to keep the black man down!  Will the black Obama take a cue from white, open-minded liberals and declare himself half a racist for going after Paterson? or will the white Obama do what all conservatives (who by definition are racists) do, and contend (read “lie”) it has nothing to do with Paterson’s race but, rather, with the fact that he is a political failure?

The First Lady has her carbon footprints all over a farmer’s market.  (Carbon is sometimes black; I hope this doesn’t get me denounced as racist).  “The Secret Service and the D.C. police brought in three dozen vehicles and shut down H Street, Vermont Avenue, two lanes of I Street and an entrance to the McPherson Square Metro station. They swept the area, in front of the Department of Veterans Affairs, with bomb-sniffing dogs and installed magnetometers in the middle of the street, put up barricades to keep pedestrians out, and took positions with binoculars atop trucks. Though the produce stand was only a block or so from the White House, the first lady hopped into her armored limousine and pulled into the market amid the wail of sirens.”

Note to the First Lady on how to avoid the wrath of Al Gore: Hire some nameless, faceless, college-age intern with a Yugo to go shopping for the twenty dollar a pound, organically grown Tuscan kale.

Chris Wallace of Fox News is a racist.  “I think that Fox News Sunday is truly a fair and balanced show…it’s like they (Obama administration) refuse to take ‘yes’ for an answer.  There’s a kind of childishness or pettiness about it…(With) these guys everything is personal.  They are the biggest bunch of cry babies I’ve dealt with in my 30 years in Washington.”

Being an opponent of the President’s policies I of course didn’t hear the words “cry babies”; no, what I heard was this, and for that I am truly sorry.  Free at last!  Free at last!  Free at last!  Thank Dowd Almighty!  I’m finally free at last!  (Props too to the rest of the liberal Trinity: Jimmy Carter and Bill Maher).

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Is Dan Brown The Worst Fiction Writer Ever?

Posted by Dim Bulb on September 19, 2009

Probably not, but he could hold the Bulwer-Lytton Award in perpetuity.

Now there is a sentence worthy of a Dan Brown novel!  In fact, I may just flesh it out (with some help from Brown) and submit it for consideration in the next Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest:

Although not overly handsome in a classical sense, the forty-year-old Langdon had what his female colleagues referred to as an ‘erudite’ appeal — wisp of gray in his thick brown hair, probing blue eyes, an arrestingly deep voice, and the strong, carefree smile of a collegiate athlete; but all of this was lost on young Dimitri who, being of the male species was not aware of the professors appeal, and so he asked with the surprised, incredulous ignorance befitting his status as a sophomore:  “So you think Brown is the worst novelist who has ever”…”probably not,” interrupted the academe, using the officious, senatorial tone that made him so renowned as a lecturer, “but he could hold the Bulwer-Lytton Award in perpetuity.”

The Telegraph has an article on Brown’s 20 Worst Sentences.  My favorite:

11. The Da Vinci Code, chapter 4: Captain Bezu Fache carried himself like an angry ox, with his wide shoulders thrown back and his chin tucked hard into his chest. His dark hair was slicked back with oil, accentuating an arrow-like widow’s peak that divided his jutting brow and preceded him like the prow of a battleship. As he advanced, his dark eyes seemed to scorch the earth before him, radiating a fiery clarity that forecast his reputation for unblinking severity in all matters.

Posted in humor, stupid | 1 Comment »

Hope And Change! Yes We Can! Hope And Change! Yes We Can!

Posted by Dim Bulb on September 7, 2009

The bloom is off the Obama Rose.  The left has turned apoplectic toward their Messiah as a result of the fall of his Communist Czar.

From the Democratic Underground (illiteracy as it appears in the source):

Obama is the biggest wuss…he should have told the right wing…we won the election eat s–t and die!!!

this administration is as weak as water, i can’t listen to them anymore,they are so full of it

Under the bus he goes.

Don’t look now But the President of the United States just got pwned by a microphone jockey.  I thought I wound never see someone top Bush the First, but this may just be the weakest President in my lifetime.

I can’t believe that they actually won this.  Obama should have rejected his resignation.  What really disgusts me, apart from losing a great advocate for REAL change, is that now this has happened Faux must feel like they’re calling the shots.  This has actually pushed me over the tipping point and I’ve lost all faith in this administration being strong enough to fight for anything we were looking forward to and excited about after the election

From the Daily Kos (illiteracy as it appears in the source):

Definitely the most cowardly administration most of my generation (twentysomething) have seen so far.

Democrats in Washington are falling apart.  Can’t anyone stop the stupid?

A gutless administration.  No one in this White-house has what it takes.  I truly feel its downhill from here on.

Obama tends to throw people under the bus.

For a full collection of leftist whining see the Dummie Funnies Blog (Language warning).

Posted in humor, stupid | 5 Comments »

School Is Out For The Summer

Posted by Dim Bulb on June 23, 2009

And the only people happier than kids are the teachers.  My sister sent me this via e-mail, I have no idea about the source.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean? (I do love this one…)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:        Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:      You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L’
TEACHER:  No, that’s wrong
GLENN:    Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:   No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am’
MILLIE:         All right…  ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
____________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________
TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:     No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER:   Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir.  It’s the same dog.
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____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher

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