The Divine Lamp

The unfolding of thy words gives light; it imparts understanding to the simple…Make thy face shine upon thy servant, and teach me thy statutes

Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Who Really Shot Out Osama’s Eye?

Posted by Dim Bulb on May 4, 2011

Posted this rather quickly, maybe I’ll flesh it out some at a latter date.
.

As the presidential amateur hour continues to perform encore after inept encore on a story that might have actually helped them had it been handled honestly from the start; and as conspiracy theories continue to grow, the White House is now once again changing the storyline; this time in order to protect the butt of the second most useless man in Washington. Apparently (if the administration is now to be believed) it wasn’t a team of Navy SEALS who put out the eye of Assama bin Laden at all.

According to White House spokesperson (and MSNBC personality) Roachel Madcow, the carnage in the compound at Abbottabad, which took the life of the unarmed freedom fighter activist bin Laden, was the work of a single, white, conservative, gun-loving, racist, birther,Tea Party member whose services were retained by the zionist regime in Israel Palestine.

On her program Ms. Madcow  showed a home movie video clip she claimed was proof that the alleged perpetrator’s racism and love of guns began at an early age. She introduced the clip in the following words: “At the age of 11 this suspect’s pasty white, suburban family, was threatened by a notorious gang of thugs led by a man…a white man…named ‘Black Bart.”  Yet you’ll notice in this never before seen video which we are about to show you…umm… you’ll notice that the suspect’s first victim-and victim is the right word to use here because, as you will see, these thugs, like Osama, were unarmed-his first victim here is an African American.

Okay…so you understand what you’re about to see here.  We have the suspect on tape, at a very young age, learning that his family is being endangered by a gang led by an individual…a white man named Black Bart; but it’s a black man that is shot first. Get it! Already at the tender age of 11 this child…this product of white, suburban America, was engaging in racial profiling.  Alright, Chuck, roll the clip, please. (emphasis added)

UPDATE: CNN in reporting that the suspect, Peter Billingsley (a.k.a., Ralph “Ralphie” Parker), is a well known master of disguise, and often masquerades as a member of the animal kingdom. They are reporting that he was last seen working as a model for Nestle’s Chocolate.

UPDATE #2: The NATIONAL ENQUIRER  has reported-and the story has been confirmed by MSNBC-Peter Billingsley (a.k.a., Ralph “Ralphie” Parker) is dead, the victim of a pregnancy test. The Enquirer stumbled upon the information while doing an expose of the most recent scandal to rock the set of the extremely popular ABC show AMERICAN IDOL.

The Enquirer was investigating rumors, rampant on the set of IDOL, that host, Jennifer Lopez, was pregnant via the hand (pardon the euphemism) of IDOL co-host Steven Tyler, a legendary womanizer and front man for the band Areosmith.

According to the ENQUIRER’s ace reporter, Jack Muckraker, “Steven and Billingsley were acquaintances, nothing more. Steven has had his share of  career ups and downs and, now that he is back in the saddle again and riding a career high, he felt that he should use his current luck to help others in show business, such as Billingsley.”

But why Billingsley, a racist assassin?

“Well,” said Muckraker, “Steven Tyler didn’t known any of that. Look, Tyler kicked a decades long addiction to drugs and alcohol by making Nestle’s Strawberry Quick his drink of choice. Billingsley was the model for the Strawberry Quick rabbit. There is an intense, emotional connection there, in spite of their not really knowing one another all that well.  As far as he knew, Billingsley was a down on his luck artist and model. Billingsley, in bunny costume, approached Mr. Tyler and asked for employment of any kind. Mr. Tyler, fearing that Ms. Lopez might be pregnant, employed Billingsleys services as a test rabbit.”

Sorry, couldn’t finish this post, will try and update.

Posted in humor, Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

Joke

Posted by Dim Bulb on September 17, 2010

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jackass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

Posted in humor | 1 Comment »

JOKE: An Old Man On A Moped

Posted by Dim Bulb on September 9, 2010

.

My sister sent me this via email:

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right…. but I’ll stick with my Moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 150 mph.


Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 180 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 200 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in  his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 220 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do !

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, “I’m a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you ?”

The old man whispers,

“Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!”

Posted in humor | 1 Comment »

It’s Always Tragic When Something Doesn’t Go right In A Jet Crash

Posted by Dim Bulb on June 28, 2010

Stupid Headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter.

Something Went Wrong In Jest Crash, Expert Says.

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers.

Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.

Miners Refuse To Work After Death.

War Dims Hope For Peace.

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.

Man Struck By Lighting: Faces Battery Charges.

New Study Of Obesity Looks For Large Test Group.

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half.

Hospital Sued By Seven Foot Doctors.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

My Favorite comes from the Oneida Daily Dispatch’s Sport’s Page.  It concerned a horse race at Vernon Downs: “Sparkling Hooker Wins VD Crown.”

Posted in humor, stupid | Tagged: | 1 Comment »

Funniest Movie Line Ever!

Posted by Dim Bulb on December 27, 2009

Posted in humor | Tagged: , , | 2 Comments »

Contemplating Marriage?

Posted by Dim Bulb on December 24, 2009



Posted in humor, Music, stupid | Tagged: , | 1 Comment »

Beware Of The Dog House!

Posted by Dim Bulb on December 9, 2009

Posted in humor | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

Winter in Buffalo (A Joke)

Posted by Dim Bulb on December 5, 2009

One winter morning in Buffalo, a couple was listening to the radio while
eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8
to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.”
Norman’s wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer
said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can
get through.”

Norman’s wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said,

“We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park…..”

Then the electric power went off. Norman’s wife was very upset, and with
a worried look on her face she said, “Honey, I don’t know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get
through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman said …

“Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

Posted in humor | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

The Twelve Days Of Global Warming

Posted by Dim Bulb on November 28, 2009

Just in time for the holiday Christmas season.  H/T to Argent via the creator: Minnesotans For Global Warming.

Posted in humor | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Upstate NY Jokes From Jeff Foxworthy (Allegedly)

Posted by Dim Bulb on November 21, 2009

My sister sent me these by email.  I’ve added a couple of comments to some (in red) and a few quips of my own (in blue).

If the first words out of your mouth in a defensive driving situation are “here, hold my beer for a sec” you might be an Upstate New Yorker.

“Vacation” means going South past Syracuse for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.  I know a woman in her early 30’s who has hit a deer 4 times.  Most auto/deer accidents seem to involve beat up old pickup trucks being driven by avid hunters, which raises the question: “how accidental are these “‘accidents'”?
You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again. No joke, but a sure sign April or October has arrived.
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.  That is until you see  a car with Jersey license plates coming at you doing the same damned thing.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend/wife knows how to use them.
You have a 20 gauge “for the old lady” hanging beneath your 12 gauge on the window rack of your pickup.
You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.  Or you dye a blanket sleeper white and send your kid out as the Abominable Snowman.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.  I didn’t find this terribly funny.  The fact is that by early summer those same potholes are filled with roadkill.  May is “hell on the undercarriage month.”
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
Down South to you means Corning”
You refer to a trip to New York City as “paying a visit to the giant blood sucking tax burden.”

You go out for a fish fry every Friday .  Every American Legion, VFW and rod and gun club seems to offer them.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.  The average low temperature on July 4th in Upsate NY is 44 degrees, and sometimes it just doesn’t warm up.  I’ve celebrated a couple of 4th of July’s wearing a hoodie.  This may explain the next entry.
You find 10 degrees “a little chilly.” and 55 is shorts weather.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
Upstate New York friends and to those who used to live here and left. — (chickens).

Posted in humor | Tagged: | 3 Comments »

 
%d bloggers like this: